However because of this trauma that I experienced as a child i sought out revenge from such a young age. I dreamed of turning 18 years old, the legal age of adulthood in America. I plotted ways to sabotage everyone who had done me wrong from my family and church to the government. i spent years dreaming of the day that i'd finally get revenge on my half-sisters for abusing me and for the police lying on me. As I've said before I was a mostly good but secretly troublesome child. I've experienced every kind abuse that their was to experience and the saddest part is that it mostly came from the one place that you'd expect to always feel safe... home.
I tried to tell my church. I ran to the police only to be brought back home and laughed at. i went to my school and counselor only to be labeled as "crazy". All of this fueled me into wanting to harm those who hurt me even more.
Before I knew it I had turned 18, and soon after that I became a 21 year old female with a void in her heart. I had become a monster. Things didn't go as I had planned. I didn't graduate from the college prep school I attended with a full-ride scholarship like i had planned. I didn't become an overnight millionaire. My attempts at starting my own businesses over the course of close to 10 years had all failed. My high school boyfriend whom I thought I'd marry cheated on me and we broke up after having dated for almost 4 years. I didn't become a mother. No one had proposed to me. I never got a diamond ring or a princess style wedding. Yes, to many I was way to young to want or even think about these things but I came from a broken home and family that in many ways was similar to that of "A Child Called It". I wanted to have stability in my life. I wanted to have a loving and perfect family. I wanted everything to be perfect for me so that I could point, laugh and enjoy my popcorn and the scenery of my enemies burning to the ground as they endured sickness, grief, death, loss, pain and every bad thing that they had put me through. I wanted them to hurt worse than I did and to be honest I wanted all of them to die for the wrong that they had done to me or to simply rot away in prison where their tears would be silenced.
My want for revenge consumed me. The older I got the more bitter I became. My age wasn't making me any happier. While I was busy thinking of ways to sabotage their lives and plans they were busying living their own lives. I didn't cross their minds. They didn't even notice me or care about my life or what I was thinking or doing. While I was busy plotting and dreaming of revenge... they were already in the process of reaping the evil that they had sewn.
It took me years to realize just how long this had been going on. They had joined the military to make a quick buck, entered into fake marriages to have a roof over their heads and money in their pockets (as well as to fulfill their "dreams" of having mixed babies). They had children with men who didn't love them and became nothing more than a "baby mama" and another stereotype in the eyes of society. None of them graduated from college. None of them were happy. None of them had dream jobs. None of them had good relationships. They were addicted to drugs and alcohol. They they were still busy trying to keep it all together and pretend as though they were okay and happy with themselves, their lives and their decisions.
What I found to be the most surprising is that upon realizing how much of my time and energy that I had wasted feeling and being bitter it was never worth it. I was so busy trying to compete that I hadn't realize that the competition was already over. They had already lost. I could no longer relate to them. They had lost family in more ways than one and they had dug their own graves and lives of misery. I thought that this is what I wanted all my life but now that I somewhat got what I asked for I want no part of it. Now I only feel sympathetic for them. I don't believe that people should have to spend the rest of their lives paying for the wrong that they have done no matter how bad it is. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Who am I to judge? I didn't live a perfect life and while the system definitely failed me it most certainly didn't kill me. I found the man of my dreams, I discovered who my real friends were, I made it to Japan, I went to college, I found my dream job, I grew and learned from my past and my mistakes (and I am still in the process of it). This isn't to say that my life is perfect. It is still far from it. I have my own battles with depression and anxiety. I'm a sensitive person somedays I just want to delete everything and hide somewhere far away from everyone. My relationships, plans, dreams, goals, moves, and works haven't been without flaws and failures and theres still more to come.
I feel sorry for my enemies. I am saddened by the thought that if just these few events didn't take place or maybe if some the pointless arguments that we had never took place we could have a normal family, bond, and relationship. This goes beyond my half-sisters too! I didn't have the best parents who raise me and because of them 99.9% of the problems in my life that made me the bitter person I was is because they allowed and provoked it.
My point is being an adult IS amazing! My life became so much better after I became 18 because I was able to work different jobs and make my own decisions. It matured me and it helped me realize that even if you don't personally do anything to get even with those who have wronged you (like I didn't) once it finally does happen you'll realize that it isn't what you thought it'd be.
Now I think about the abuse that they've endured, the loneliness that they must feel, the lack of love in their lives. I am not happy by this. It doesn't bring some sort of sick and evil sense of excitement over me like I had imagined.
Its great that I didn't personal try to get revenge myself and end up behind bars or dead but watching people reap what they have sewn is actually quite a sad experience. Even if they did deserve it did I not deserve the bad things that I have been put through as well?
Its best to simple learn to forgive those who have done wrong to you. Learn from your mistakes. Be grateful that you still have a life to live and chances to be taken. I believe that every thing happens for a reason. Our bad experiences in life can makes just as great of a story as the good things that we are blessed and fortunate enough to have experienced.
Remain positive. Don't let revenge consume you. I wasted years of my life (that were practically dedicated to) thinking about something so much that I didn't even realize I was already "getting it" and it ultimately didn't bring any joy to my life. Life goes on. People change. Just as they've changed, so can you...
My life is still far from perfect. I have done a lot of wrong and bad things to both myself and the people I have encountered. I have made a lot of embarrassingly, shameful and bad decisions on a whim. I am sure that they've experience really bad things that I still don't know about to this day.
I am still human, but because I am human, I cannot hate someone to the point of wishing death and failure upon them anymore. I may have said and wished for these things in the past, but my heart could never act upon these wishes and words. My eyes don't want to see it anymore.
I simply feel sorry for all of us.... The things that we've lost. The time that we cannot get back. The bridges that have become uncrossable... Evil wishes and wicked behaviors and thoughts are only fun for a moment. No matter what you think or who you choose to believe... you will get what you deserve at the end of the day.
It's okay to let go of toxic people and bad influences in your life but don't become consumed and long for payback.
Why not use all of this negative energy to be at peace with yourself. Why not enjoy life and find new people and new things that can and will make you genuinely happy?
The best revenge you can get is to show this who have wronged you that you're not worried about them. Your enemies want you to watch their every move and to pry on their lives and plot evil things against them. Kill them with kindness instead of evil prayers and bad mouthing their names.
Send them gifts anonymously through mutual family or friends. It really does feel good to be and to do good.
it's never too late to be the bigger and better person. You have to come to terms with your past and with both their mistakes AND you own.
As humans we are so selfish that even after we get our revenge that we thought we so desperately wanted, even if God himself handles it, or death take their life before our very eyes we would have the audacity to still be angry and feel as though they took the easy way out. We would think to ourselves that it still wasn't as bad nearly as what they did to us. You will never be satisfied through evil but you can truly feel satisfied ad experience genuine happiness through good.
You don't have to forget but you do have to forgive. Who are we to judge?
Forgive yourself and forgive those who have wronged you.
Sharing and showing the world your pure intentions and unbothered happiness is the only way to truly get revenge in this world.
Stay Tuned!
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