The 13 Different Types of Gaijin You’ll Meet
1.) The Wise Fool
He’s been in Japan for over 10 years and tells you how Japan is so horrible, but also says that he’s not leaving and just wants to bitch about everything he doesn’t like here which seems to outweigh the list of non-existent things that he does like by far. You have no idea why he is still living here if he really feels this way about Japan. You are shocked that he has the audacity to advise and indirectly encourage you to hate Japan, give up and just go home. You wonder if maybe he’s hiding something or if maybe he’s just trying to have Japan to himself. This guy seriously needs to take his own advice or get over it.
2.) The Inferior Gaijin
This foreigner talks down on their home country whenever he finds the opportunity to do so. I’m not just talking about politics but this guy is total “yes-man” for Japan and agrees that everything in his home country is just wrong and disgusting and needs to be advised by the superior country that is Japan The Great. He will argue that all Japanese people are super nice, polite and friendly unlike the assholes he dealt with back at home. He believes that he deserves every bad thing that has happened to him here and justifies all hate and racism that Japan has towards non-Japanese people or those of different religious and sexual preferences, that is if he is even willing to acknowledge that bad, rude, and racist things have ever happened to him or people that he knows in the first place!
He will tell you that Japan is so clean and that his home country is filthy. Fat people in Japan?! WHERE?! He will insist that you’ve got to be talking about the greasy burger eating people of America who shop at stores that sell guns and toilet paper right next to Plan B, coat hangers, alcohol, medicine and diapers.He will tell you that all of the women in his home country are all fat and lazy feminists who will drain your bank account and trap you with a baby or a sexless marriage, you know things that Japanese women DEFINITELY don’t do. He can’t stand it when he sees or hears Japanese people “Oooh” and “Ahhh” over foreigners. He simply can’t understand why the Japanese don’t realize that he and his people are inferior to the greatness and beauty of Japan and it’s people.
You could have sworn that you heard him say “ALL HAIL JAPAN!” at some point.
3.) The Party Animal
Is there a birthday? No. Is it a holiday? NOPE! But there is now! This foreigner is always planning parties or attending them. They know people who know people and they’re a true social butterfly. They waste no time to have fun and party. You thought Japanese people didn’t use Facebook but this guy is always sending you screenshots and links to random parties at exclusive and super cool locations year around. He’s fun to talk to and looks out for his friends. He somehow manages to take great pictures and videos, make friends, and lookout for his drunk buddies while still indulging in all of the fun, food, drinking, and games. He somehow seems to know everyone. This guy has connections and he’s not afraid to share them with you.
4.) The Depressed Daytime Junkie
This foreigner seems to always have a can of strong zero in their hand, look as though they haven’t seen a shower in years, and smell as though they have bathed in an onsen of sake. This guy is usually a recent divorcee or a reject from a gaijin/Japanese rock band. They tend to be either really nice and outgoing or really rude and quiet. You feel sorry for this guy and you wonder how much his liver and kidneys are gonna be abel to take before he ends up cremated and buried in some gaijin grave or worse. You have no idea why he has decided to stay in Japan but you also admire his bravery for choosing to fight for his dreams anyway and find his own purpose and reasoning to stay.
5.) The Peasant
No matter what time of the year it is, even if it’s in the middle or at the end of the month and payday just passed this silly foreigner always claims to be broke and wants to mooch off of everyone or guilt trip you into covering the cost of their food, fun, drinks, and games. They aren’t ashamed to beg and have mastered their indirect theatrical performance.
They usually never pay you back and are nowhere to be found once their alleged payday arrives. They always seem to have an excuse or some sad story for why they need your financial assistance. While they may lack money of their own they have no problem spending yours and their taste tends to be rather expensive for someone who is at the mercy of others generosity. Despite their claims of poverty they seem to always be going out to bars and parties every weekend. You have no idea how they were able to come to Japan since they’re always broke and you wonder what exactly is it that they’re spending their salary on because you’ve never seen them spend more than a 500 yen.
While they may be nice and a good listener their begging can becoming super annoying.
You’ve probably had to remind them that beggars can’t be choosers or simply avoid making plans in their presence.
6.) The Radicals
Whether it be a Republican or a Democrat this misinformed foreigner has an agenda and it usually doesn’t align with Japanese culture at all, but they will find a few “Japanese things” that seem to match their political beliefs and run with it insisting that any gaijin who disagrees is in the wrong country and should pack their bags and go back to their home country. They will assure you that Japanese people love Trump because of comments that Japanese politicians have made unaware of how that statement alone is a joke within itself as Japanese most people here hate Abe and make fun of his presidency commonly asking if you voted for him as an icebreaker). They will tell you that Japan loves gay people because Sailor Uranus & Neptune are anime staples. They will argue that if Japan wasn’t pro LGBT then their wouldn’t be any gay bars or parades despite the fact that these places and events are filled with 70% foreigners and even straight people. They believe that Japan wouldn’t have hal
7.) The Yellow Fever Playboy
This foreign guy came here for 1 thing and one thing only that is hot Asian girls. They don’t usually care if she's Chinese, Japanese or just “nese” if she’s Asian he’s ready to be a douche bag, make her fall in love, and then of course hit it and quit it! This guy has an annoyingly ridiculously large ego and is well aware that his foreign and exotic look and features are sure to help him score with chicks that wouldn’t give him the time of day in his home country. Despite the fact that he’s the same height of the average woman has 3 kids in home country, is a married/ or a divorcee, and has a receding hair line at the age of 24 He brags about being too big for Japanese condoms and pokes fun at his Asian male counterparts lack of confidence with women. He is bursting at the seams with confidence. His phone is always going off with messages from desperate women and he’s always going out every night with what seems to be a different girl every week.
You think to yourself how has he not gotten someone pregnant yet? He is often times the life of the party but his douchey ways are sure to catch up with hi,m.
8.) The Professional Cock Slayer
Whether she be the most basic and average looking chick, or actually a little cute this foreign girl has an inflated ego thanks to the lack of foreign women in Japan and the even smaller number that are single, childless and willing to date an Asian man. She knows that no one can compete with her visible or not so visible beauty. She clearly has no shame in her game. She will constantly brag to you about how many men she’s slept with in Japan. After hearing her nasty story about that guys she sucked in the bathroom at the Hub you regret sharing that big can of Strong Zero with her and wonder if you may have contracted herpes from being a little too generous. You honestly have no idea why she’s taking so many chances.
She is confident and fierce. She knows what she wants in bed and she doesn’t give a crap about what you think or say about her or her decisions. She always has some crazy story about her sexual encounters from a sleazy nights out at the bar or that host guy that super liked her on Tinder whose dick she sucked backwards. She’s fun and entertaining to be around, but sometimes her overconfidence and kinky bedtime stories can be a bit annoying and the truthfulness of them can be rather questionable.
9.) The Foreign Japanese Supremacist
This blind foreigner has no idea that they too are and always will be a gaijin in the eyes of a “pure” Japanese. They believe that they are elite enough to have leveled up from gaijin to native. They believe that they are indeed a Japanese.
They are disgusted by the existence of other tourist & foreigners alike. They will avoid sitting next to them on trains at all costs. They don’t want to talk to or befriend them and will try their best to maintain a circle of Japanese friends and sexual partners only. They hate the thought of teaching English or doing “gaijin jobs”. These foreigners will often pretend to not speak English and will insist that they only communicate with the elite gaijin who have also become Japanese and thus they can speak Japanese well enough to converse. They have become so elite that they will pretend to have forgotten English, will tell you that they’re from Tokyo or Osaka (whichever city they first arrived to Japan in), and insist that they can’t remember or relate to the city or it’s people from their country of origin. These elite gaijin often times exclude themselves from any news, media, or articles that they watch or read about non-Japanese people because umm…DUUUHH! They’re not a foreigner silly!
10.) The Japanologist
It’s Not Wumbology it's Japanology! You probably didn’t know that this was a real word but this Japanologist knows that it is in Europe ! This intellectual gaijin insists that they know everything about Japan. They tend to follow all of the Japanese news and social media blogs and heavily moderate and educate people in the comments.
They will disagree with you on anything you say unless it’s exactly what they’ve already said. They believe that they have read more than enough books, had enough experiences for a life time from their study abroad 5 years ago, and lived in Japan for long enough to know more about Japan than the country and even it’s native people do.
They are often times experts on Japanese law and both know and obey more rules than most Japanese people do themselves.
This scientist slash historian is disgusted by the ignorance of foreigners who don’t know the laws and cultural differences of Japan. They thrive off of correcting the mistakes of other foreigners. They will notice if your kimono is being worn incorrectly, if you’re not holding your chopsticks high enough, and if you wrote your kanji with the wrong stroke order.
This foreigner believes that chopsticks are better than forks and are the ultimate eating utensils just as much as they believe that they are and always will be smarter than you!
You will almost never see them ask any questions about Japan because obviously they already know everything so who could possibly teach or tell them something that they don’t already know?!
11.) The Wannabe Idol & Breakout Artist
This foreigner has big dreams! They are ready to take full advantage of the lack of rappers, musicians, foreign models, and actors. They usually have a huge ego and really believe that they look like a model, are beautiful, have great acting skills, and that their beats are original thanks to the locals and even agencies gassing them up for their Little Tikes xylophone beats, Insta thot photos, and dramatic soap opera acting skills.
They get a couple of gigs worth less than the average teaching salary and label themselves as a famous foreign freelance model, actor, or musician. They think that being a soft porn actress is the equivalent to being a celebrity. They’re willing to work for very little to nothing as they simply want to see their name in flashing lights, on a DVD cover,have cool headshots and video footage from their 3 second commercial scene, or see their name written in the fine print of the credits for some mobile app game that they sold their tribal beats too.
12.) The Gaijin Gates
This foreigner is filthy rich! They have expensive taste and tend to spend money like it ain’t a thing! It’s yakiniku and mojito’s for this gaijin 7 days a week. If they see something that they want they buy it. Everything seems like a great gift for their friends and family back home. It seems like they're at the mall and the post office at least once a week to buy and ship souvenirs to their loved ones.
You have no idea why they came to Japan or how they’re making so much questionable money despite seemingly never being at work and always shopping or partying.You’re convinced that this foreigner is only working to maintain his visa status and to be of service to the country. Sometimes you wonder hmmm… is he affiliated with the Yakuza?
Despite the stereotypes he’s actually really nice, super generous, always willing to spot his broke friends, is very humble, and never brags. You wonder if he’s just being generous because he doesn’t know what to do with all of that cash…
13.) The Visa Whore
Ahh last but not least we have the old fashion visa whore. This silly foreigner came to Japan with 1 of 3 goals in mind. They either wanted to live in Japan, have a mixed baby, or fulfill their yellow fever dreams. With no hesitation this foreigner packed their bags and sold their souls to their partner of less than a month to beat the system.They’ll insist that they always move fast in their relationships and that they both wanted the same thing (to cover their back of course).
This foreigner often times lacks a degree, isn’t a native speaker, is obese, balding, or quite old in age. They’re ready to put their exotic gaijin looks to work in exchange for long-term residency. Luckily for this gaijin the feeling is mutual. Most Japanese people admire foreign men and women and consider them to be significantly more sexual attractive, and romantic than their Asian counterparts.
Unfortunately faking pregnancies and “conveniently accidental condom malfunctions and holes *cough cough* are common everywhere in the world and so is divorce and child kidnappings. Sadly Japan is no exception. I mean HEY?! Who says that two can’t play at this game? Looks like it’s gonna be a visa exchange after all!
I think that we've all been guilty of doing at least a few of these things on the list. I can be the first to admit that I'm guilty myself! The longer you live here the more you will see and read from some pretty crazy and cool people. I'll be making video to go along with this post soon so be sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel for more!
Stay Tuned!
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