Living in Japan as a foreigner comes with tons of challenges from cultural differences and language barriers to strange food combinations and unhealthy work practices, but one of the most difficult things that foreign women deal with is deciding whether they want to go back to their home country to find a partner or if they should change their plans for having a family and accept being single for life. While there are some challenges and difficulties with dating in general, I can assure you that Japanese people aren't so different to the point that it is impossible to fall in love with and build a genuinely good relationship, marriage and family together. I can guarantee you that getting married and starting a family here in Japan is a goal of yours that you most certainly do not have to leave Japan in order to obtain this.
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STOP Bashing Online Dating in Japan
Your Beauty is Yours
Let's face it online dating is scary. You are putting yourself out there for the public to judge you. You are opening up to total strangers and sharing your likes and dislikes, your name and even personal photographs of yourself. As a minority, a tall woman, an overweight woman, or someone that isn't "good looking" it can make you feel as though you need to have a warning label in your profile ( i.e "CAUTION 6'4 260 LBS. DARK SKIN CHICK HERE") but, there is no need to do such a thing. Beauty is subjective but confidence is not. Everyone can agree that someone who is confident is naturally more appealing both physically and mentally. No one wants to date someone who is always crying about their looks and that seems paranoid about being seen.
Stop comparing yourself to Japanese women! While different cultures have different beauty standards you need to understand that you aren't Japanese and thus you won't be treated like it, and in this case that is not a bad thing! No matter how cute you might look in your Lolita dress and no matter how pale your skin might be Japanese people are not blind. They can see that you are not one of them. They can see all of your flaws. They can see that you are bigger than most of the people around you and that your nose sticks out 3 inches from your face and despite all of this they don't really care. Traits that you have which might be seen as flaws for a Japanese woman won't be seen as a flaw on you. There are millions of Japanese women who are just as tall, big, and just as "weird" as you are and they are happily married to a loving husband.
You want your partner to fall in love with YOU and not your looks. Beauty fades. When you take out your extensions, pull off that wig, take off your lashes, take off your shape-wear, wash the heat damage and products from your hair, when your roots start showing, once you take off your contacts, and wipe off all of your makeup he will see the real you. He will still love you just as much if not even more than he loves you when you're all dressed up.
Men just like women have their own taste. Each man has his own preference when it comes to dating women. Some men aren't willing to date tall or plus sized women and others are. Some men only want to date within their own race some are open to dating women of any race or nationality. Just because some guys don't like your appearance doesn't mean that no one will. The man that you are dating is just as concerned about his looks. He is wondering if he is "big enough", tall enough, makes enough money, can hold the conversation, make you laugh, if he is dressed nice enough, and if his English is good enough to keep you.
There's No Prize for Meeting Your Boyfriend Offline
There is no prize for saying that you met your boyfriend at the grocery store. Nobody cares about how you met your boyfriend or husband. It is a personal and intimate question that you can choose to answer or not. Most people have used online dating at some point whether they are honest about their history of using these apps or the current existence of them many of the people whom you fear might judge you for "resorting" to using such an app are being hypocritical. Ask yourself this. Will you care 20 years from now how you met your husband? Will these people who you fear might tease you or look down upon you be willing to pay for your fertility treatments should you require it down the line? Are you getting married to your friends and family, or is it to the man you met online? Why allow people to control who can make you happy and how? A lot of the people you hear bragging about how they met the man of their dreams after deleting Tinder found their guy another social app so what's the difference?
Your Fears Are Valid
I used to be one of those people who was afraid of meeting some crazy stalker who'd be an ax murderer. I was afraid of seeing someone on a dating app that I already knew in real life like my brother, an uncle, or a family friend. I felt ashamed to be seen online on any sites other than Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook because society has labeled online dating as something that is made for the elderly, desperate, crazy, and of course the sleazy people of the world. As I got a little older I quickly realized how stupid my thoughts were. While it is possible to meet someone that is not in their right mind, is obsessive, or that intends to harm you, it is no more likely or risky than going out on a date with the cutie from aisle 5 at the grocery store. Anyone who sees my online dating profile had to have had an online dating profile themselves so how can they judge me when they were also on the app as well? The same people I am afraid of seeing online are also afraid of seeing me their sister, niece, and family friend on that app too! Is it worth it to be lonely because I have limited options to meet good quality men in real life yet refuse to expand my options by giving online dating a shot? It is totally normal to feel shy and self-conscious when you are on a date.
Don't Limit Yourself
Be Open Minded
Online Dating Goes Offline
One of the most misunderstood things about online dating is that people think it stays online. Sure, you initially found the person online and would have probably NEVER in a million years ran across each other but most people quickly make plans to meet in person after exchanging a few basic messages. Your date wants to see you just as badly as you want to see them. You won't spend the entirety of your relationship making video calls and sending text messages. You will also go on dates, go on vacations, have sex, try out new cafes and restaurants, watch movies, cuddle, kiss, cook together, go for walks at the park, and play games together. Anything that you'd do with a guy you met by chance or through a friend you can also do with the guy that you met online.
You're in Total Control
You can cancel dates or make new ones. You can decide how long you want to meet for. You can choose whether you want top share your last name or tell them where you work or not. You can decide how quickly you want to move with you relationship. You can decide if you want to have sex after the third date or after marriage. You can decide whether you want to meet at a family restaurant, a cafe or a public park. You don't have to move any faster or slower in your relationship than someone who met their man in person.
No Surprises Unless You Want Them
You don't have to make it a semi-blind date. You can see your date and get to know them before going out for dinner or drinks. There is no rush when dating someone that you met online. You can ask them as many questions as you want to and you can exchange photos and video chat with them as many times as you'd like to BEFORE ever meeting them in person or spending a single cent to see or date them. It is up to you whether you want to know their height and weight or if you want to see if they're balding prematurely etc.. You can ask personal questions about their work, family, friends, pets or anything else that you'd like to know before becoming attached.
It's as Discreet or Public as You Make It
Your relationship is private until you decide to make it public. Even after you start seeing each other regularly no one will know about your date or relationship until you decide to tell your fiends and family and share photos and videos of what you have done together. It is entirely up to you whether or not you want to tell people how you met your partner. You don't have to share every
Your Family & Friends Will Accept You & Your Partner
Your true friends and family will happy for you! They will be proud of you. They want to see that you are enjoying you life and that you are being taken care of. Your friends and family want you to have a companion to share your life with. They won't look down on you or treat you partner funny simply because you didn't bump into each other while reaching for the same bag of grapes at Walmart.
Break Ups Happen Offline Too
There is no shame in going through a breakup whether it be a good or bad breakup both are normal. Just as you are a human being with thoughts and feelings so is your partner. Unfortunately not everyone we meet turns out to be as good of a match as we thought they were. It is okay to break up with someone who is bad for us and it is okay to be let go of by someone who doesn't see themselves being with us long-term for the right reason. You can always try again! It doesn't have to be with that guy necessarily but just because a relationship comes to an end doesn't mean that it is the end for you. There are thousands if not millions of other men waiting to meet you.
Double Standards Much
People tend to judge online relationships more harshly. When things don't end well people swear that they'll never use another dating app as though the same bad guys on these apps don't exist in real life too. I have never heard someone say that they're done dating after meeting 20 players through mutual friends but people will judge the entire world of online dating after 3 dates that didn't go as planned. Don't give up on online dating so easily! Life is full of chances to be taken and lessons to be learned. You don't have to stop dating just because of a few bad guys. Don't give people who don't love and care about you dictatorship over your love life and happiness. Cheaters exist in real life too and so do liars. Bad men aren't exclusive to dating apps.
The Waiting Game
Dating requires patience. You have to be willing to fill out a lengthy profile and answer the same questions over and over again. You will get tired of telling people what your hometown is and explaining to people that chopsticks aren't that hard to use and debunking the myth the Japanese is so hard to speak and that sushi is impossible for a foreigner to eat. You will have to wait to make matches and to get replies. It will sometimes feel as though there is no one else out there for you. You will feel rushed. You will feel like time is going by so fast and yet here you are still single but once you do find someone who is genuine and that makes you happy it will all be worth it.
Time Sensitive
While not everyone envisions becoming a mother it is a dream for most women to not only become a wife but to become a mother. The longer you wait to find a husband the harder it will be to conceive naturally as you age. You can be lucky and have a smooth pregnancy over 35 or you may have the money to go through fertility treatments but why risk your child having health issues or risk having a complicated pregnancy? Why spend thousands of dollars on medical treatments that you wouldn't have needed had you ignored the people who told you that online dating was for losers and sinners? While you can be blessed with a baby in the future it is also very possible that even with the most expensive treatments and best doctors that you cannot give birth to your own child due to your declining fertility. Don't you want to be able to watch your children grown up and to see your grand kids or possibly great grandchildren? If having a family is important to you and you know that you want to have 5 kids then don't delay making an effort to search for a partner.
It's Never Too Late
Whether you are new to online dating or have dated online in the past but have given up on it it is never too late to change your mind and give it a shot. You don't have to pay for an expensive subscription or date every guy that sends you a message but you can use these apps at your own pace during your own spare time. It is okay to take a break. It is okay to try dating for the first time. You are NEVER too old to get married or t have a family. You are never too old to continue to grow your family. Sure things could have been easier for you had you signed up at 25 instead of 45 but you still have so many years ahead of you in life. Everyone deserves love and happiness regardless of how they look or how good or bad of a person society has deemed them to be. There is no shame in seeking help to conceive from a fertility clinic. There is nothing wrong with having children later in life. Not everything goes like we planned for it to. Becoming a mom over 35 is just as beautiful as becoming a mother at 25. Your worth as a woman and as a wife is not tied to being a mother. Your baby will love you regardless of your age!
This is Your Life
One of the worse feelings in life is regret. Everyone has regrets. Whether it be regretting something that we did or didn't say or do it such a painful feeling. It haunts you seemingly everyday. Don't let your life pass you by and regret not having attempted to find the love of your life. You can't get back time and the longer you wait to look for a partner the less options you will have to choose from. Take risks and take chances! Love is worth it.
